I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
pray to the hookup gods
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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