The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
