My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize