I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
