You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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