I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize