can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I need water and some morals
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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