i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
