Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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