You really coming over, don't trick.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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