apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
