hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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