Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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