I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
