You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
