I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
