drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
