my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
