3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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