i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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