I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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