Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's blow job season.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
