I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You can't special order awesome
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
