I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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