The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
