I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
