Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
