I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
