im six kinds of drunk right now
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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