During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
