my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
