Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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