My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
