I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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