I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
