Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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