hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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