seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
