I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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