I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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