Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
