Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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