let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
