Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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