I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
