thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I supernannyed him into submission
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
