I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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