He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
