i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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