If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
