My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
