Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
