I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize