I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
